Saturday, October 15


Yesterday I was exposed as the shallow fraud that I am. You know those stereotypical nightmares where you find yourself naked in public? It felt just like that. Even with big, comfy clothes on.

But first, let me back up. Actually, let's back up all the way to the root of the problem: I don't lean on God nearly enough. He is not the first one I think of in the morning, nor is He always the last one I think of at night. There have been days when the children and I don't mention God in conversation. There are even days when we don't open a Bible, even in a browser window. And as you can see, my writings are not full praises and acknowledgements of our Creator.

There. I've said it. Our roots are shallow and our fruit is small and withered. And yesterday, everyone who attended the homeschool meeting got to see it.

We met at a new location, which didn't quite work out as planned, so once we got there, we had to make some last-minute changes. My right-hand person, whose job is to oversee the childrens' classes, couldn't make it. This wasn't a huge problem, but my inability to think on my feet began to get the best of me. (Today I'm thinking it wouldn't have if I prayed more... God could take it away completely, or at least allow me to function.) We got a late start, and I had to ask if we start with announcements or devotions. Normally I know these things. I made a few more blunders before the scheduled "talk", and each one shook me just a little more.

We had a panel discussion which was to cover "favorite tips, curriculum favorites, and things that we have learned over the years." I was on the panel with three other experienced homeschool moms. Well, I soon realized I'd missed an important point: they all came prepared to discuss the fact that it's all about training and discipleship, not curriculum. Their most important homeschool resources are the Bible and a book on being a good wife. Mine is the internet. They were able to discuss the Charlotte Mason method, classical education, and the importance of reading aloud. Like all the time. Thousands of books. My big things are having routines in place, staying home and building skills and relationships there, and teaching my kids to read so they can learn independently. I hate reading aloud. After my introduction, I found there was nothing else I could add to the discussion. I sat there, the chaos manager on a panel of really amazing, magazine article quality homeschool moms. Their years of experience have led them to the fount of wisdom. Mine have led me to put all my kids' assignments for a grade level into one folder for them to manage, and to phonics.

To make matters worse, I'm developing really bad anxiety about speaking in front of this group. (Is it any wonder why?) My mouth gets so dry I can hardly speak, and I can hardly tell what I'm saying. When this happens, apparently I'm still able to connect words, but I can't comprehend what I'm saying to know whether what I've said so far makes sense or if it will go with whatever comes out next. So I don't know what I've really said or whether I'm done. It's horrible.

I must say, I was relieved when it was over. The kids helped me pack up, and we went to lunch. I let Lynae choose from a couple of restaurants, and we went to the one she chose. When we got there, it was super crowded. By the time we finished ordering, though, there was an empty table, so we sat in the dining room to eat. Guess who was on the other side of the dining room? The rest of the panel, along with THE homeschool mom who has been a mentor and example to everyone in our group for years. Can you say "awkward"?

I managed to choke down my lunch and not rush the kids too much, and we came home and took a nap. When I woke up, I felt like I'd been run over, beaten up, and stepped on. I was up and around within an hour, but it was seven excruciating hours before the headache went away.

Anyway, it's all over now... until next week's planned humiliation: camping with the homeschool group as the token fat lady. LOL I love camping. I hope this doesn't ruin it!


  1. (((((((Heidi))))))

    Most of my days feel like that day of yours! I can so relate!

    You are where you are, for what the Lord wants to accomplish through the means He wants to just keep being YOU, doing the best where you are with what you've been given, and walk on, depending on Him to provide what your children need to grow into maturity in Him...He will accomplish it! Oh...and don't get caught in that horrible trap of comparing yourself with others. Nobody can keep up with the Jones'..not even the Jones' themselves!

  2. ((Heidi))

    You don't need to keep up with the Joneses, but maybe this is a wakeup call to get closer to God. I'm sure they've all had periods when their spiritual lives are shallow, too. I don't know anyone who hasn't!

    Maybe they do all have it together right now - and maybe not! Maybe preparation was the key to their presentations. I'm sure you could have put on a "holy" presentation if you'd thought about it, too, and that would have covered up your spiritual dryness.

    You know what? Tell 'em how well they did, and confess that you wish you had it so together right now. If they're as "good" as they came off, they'll either confess their own struggles, or they'll pray with and for you.

    Plus, Heidi, you and I, and others dealing with attachment disorder, live in a world most people couldn't dream of (and wouldn't want to!!). I'm counting the days until dd is 18 (2 years and 21 days). By which time I'll/we'll/she'll already have damaged all the other kids and all our relationships.

  3. Maybe you were just in the wrong crowd. There are tons of homeschoolers who would appreciate organization tips and suggestions about where to find online resources.